Becoming Tanikka

It's amazing to be 31 and still be discovering who I am. I love this process of tearing down things I've always believed and held true and replacing those things with new beliefs. There are no limits to what we can do and learn; our ability to adapt is unbelievable. Take for instance my ability to cook. I've never been a cook and it was one of the reasons why I never planned on marrying and having children. My mother was a fabulous cook and I don't know why, I just never saw myself in the kitchen that way. I loved pizza and pretty much could have survived on pizza and canned foods, but I had a baby in college and entered into a relationship with someone who could cook and who assured me I would never have to worry about cooking.

How soon things change. When I first found myself single, shopping was unbearable and cooking was a disaster. We lived out of fast food places and the kids weight reflected that. But now, as I face a life as mother of five children, my maternal instincts are kicking in to the max. I wake up with a craving for fresh French toast, oranges, bananas, and bacon, and guess what? I cook! It's amazing for me and for the children.

Just imagine what other uncharted territory there is for me to conquer? Self esteem and encouragement from others goes a long way. I can do it! I think to myself as I'm standing over the stove, and I believe I can. So... What do you believe you can do today that you told yourself yesterday you couldn't? DO IT... And believe.

Fear Not

Yesterday I went to an ultrasound appointment. It was a shocking experience. The first shock was that the Doctor's saw TWO GIRLS! I was planning on a girl and a boy (so was Jamir). However, whatever I am blessed with I will be grateful and happy. That means Jamir will be the only boy with four sisters. Anyway, the Doctor found a spot on
Baby B's brain which may indicate either Down Syndrome or Patau Syndrome, neither or which is a good diagnosis. He assured me that it only occurs in 3% of all cases of babies born with this brain spot, but Patau Syndrome is usually fatal. The Doctor advised that I could get an amnio which would tell defnitively whether the baby had either syndrome, but the test itself comes with the risk of miscarriage and/or increased birth defect.

When faced with that choice, my fear said "get the test, you need to know. How can you continue to carry a baby that may not make it?" But faith stepped in and said, "trust in God. He will never lead you where His grace cannot carry you." Although I was overwhelmed, I told the Doctor regardless of the diagnosis, I would carry the baby to full-term and put her in God's hands. After talking about the option of having a selective abortion (IN NYC) of the one fetus, I assured the Doctor I was going to see this one to the end. He then scheduled an appointment for me in two weeks because my cervix is beginning to shorten. This could be an indication of preterm labor. So, all you faith walkers, we really need your prayers. God is able and I know He will bring us through no matter what happens.

When I thought about how scary this situation was, especially after I looked up Patau Syndrome on Google, I heard God saying "FEAR NOT." I wrote a song called Fear Not where the chorus says,
Fear Not/What men may say
Fear Not/When trouble comes your way
Fear Not/No matter what you see
Fear Not/the World but Fear Me.

Sometimes you have to be reminded... So I will walk this walk, battling fear and believing by Faith that it will all work to His Glory. Love and Peace

Life is What You Make It

I realized yesterday that life is a series of habits. You get in the habit of brushing your teeth, making up your bed (or not), going to school, working, etc. I was over the twins Godparents house and I was struck by how orderly things were in their house considering the fact that there was an infant and a three year old. Both children were bathed and in bed at a set time, the house was clean, primarily because the parents got hours after the kids were asleep to do what needed to be done. My household has never been like that! I've always just gone with the flow...Now I'm rethinking.

Devon told me that the key is setting a schedule and sticking to it no matter what. It's going to be even more necessary now that I'm having twins. I know now why God has this couple as the twins Godparents. Whatever you do today will determine where you go tomorrow. I touched on this in an earlier blog: we need to start making the small choices that will lead to the life we have all envisioned. I realized that now that motherhood has thrust itself upon me, I want it to be my focus. I love to write, so I can do that as well, but some of you will be surprised to find out that I am giving up my dreams of being a high powered female-Johnny Cocran. For now.

I'll still be young when my youngest child get's out of High School and I'll be able to assume any career I choose. Until then, I'm going to take it slow (as slow as possible with five kids) and focus on utilizing my creative energy for the greater good. Think about what you do today- your habits- are they leading to life or death? We must get a hold of our habits! Today...

Marital Bond or Marital Bondage?

So, people get married and divorced everyday. Unfortunately, I know of several marriages, including mine, which ended within the past year. I know marriage is honorable and of the Lord, but what's the problem? Marriage is a covenant between man, woman and God until death do us part. But divorce came in because people were not living the way they were called by God to live. Divorce is rampant in the church so how do we figure out what's going wrong?

I thought about the marital bond and to me it felt more like marital bondage. A bond between to people is seamless, you will not see where one end begins and the other ends. However, when one is in bondage you can clearly see the ropes that bind that person. Their hands may be tied in front of them where they can see the bondage, or the hands may be behind their back where they cannot clearly see the bonds. That was my case. I didn't go into the marriage thinking "if this doesn't work, I'll get a divorce" I truly married "till death do us part." But there comes a time when the bondage begins to stifle your growth and impede your breathing. It becomes a time when you have to choose life over tradition and even stability. It's easy to continue doing what you've always done because it's comfortable even when it's killing you. It takes courage and faith to launch into the deep and step out on the water.

I wish I would not have gotten divorced, but more importantly I wish I would have been more prayerful before I got married. I was not walking with the Lord at the time I decided to get married and so I was not making the decision according to the Word. However, there are people that I know who met their mate in the church, got counseling, got married and are now in the process of getting divorce. Will marriage survive?

I would love to get married again, but my next husband will have a high price to pay. I will trust my instincts at every hand and at the first sign that things don't look right, I'm out. Now, some may say that it's not fair to punish someone for my ex's transgressions. But I feel that I am more happy and whole by myself than I am in bondage to an anchor that's sinking.

I still believe in marriage and think that it's a beautiful thing. I think it's a manifestation of the union that occurs between God the Father and Jesus, His son. But there are a lot of kinks that need to be worked out in our modern day marriage to keep us out of bondage. I think when I see the seamless joining of myself and another in a way that makes me a better person and makes me love myself and God more, then I'll consider creating a marital bond.

Yada Yada Yada

I had a long day today. I just want you to think about all these fathers who are killing their children. It's quite disturbing. Here there have been two fathers who have killed their children and in Florida a father pushed his three children off of a balcony on he and his wife's anniversary. What in the world is going on? What would make a father kill their own child? What warning signs did the mother see? Was she in denial about the father's mental state? I'm convinced that there are a lot of fathers that need to be in mandatory counseling. For more reference see Kirk Franklin's new album the track "Shout." He says "Take it serious the demon's in a man's mind." I'm definitely thinking about my children's father in a differen't light tonight. And I'm praying that He keep my children safe. Aight?

Confidence or Condemnation

I woke up this morning feeling great! Not for any particular reason, I just feel very comfortable in the skin I am in. I think that because of my relationship with Christ I know in my heart that everything work out for the good. I don't have a blueprint as to how it is going to work out but that's the point of walking in faith. The Bible says many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21) So I'm not so much making plans for my future as I am trying to be the person today that He called me to be.

The signature on my email is Phillipians 1:8- the scripture reads:

"I thank God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."

This truly sums up how I feel and why in the midst of this storm, I am soaring. I have been in constant prayer about my situation, even when I have fallen, and because I told God I couldn't get healed and get through any of this without him I had to lean on Him. So when you didn't hear from me, I was going through- putting one foot in front of the other, falling but getting back up, knowing that my faith was in Jesus. It was really nothing that anyone could help me get through. The joy of the Lord has been my strength, so when I reach out to you now for support and love, it is with joy in my heart. The assurance that things are going to be okay comes from my confidence that the work that was begun in me as a little child will continue to be perfected until Jesus Christ's return.

What I'm trying to say is that those of you who do not yet believe in Jesus Christ as your personal savior may not understand what I have been through or how I have gone through the past year. However, if you could understand that I have been through so much as a child, abuse, molestation, rape, abandonment, and yet through it all I made good grades, stayed in school, and was able to get a full-ride to an ivy league college. God brought be through and I truly believed then that there was a strong calling on my life. Although I strayed from Christ in my late teens and early twenties, I found my way back after a miscarriage and separation in my marriage drove me to the brink of dispair. It was in the midnight hour, when no one else was around that I called on Jesus. Although I had practiced Islam, Buddhism, Santeria, Yoruba, Catholicism, and Hedonism, I found Jesus in my darkest hour.

Now that I am walking with Him, I understand more than ever that His grace and mercy are poured on us when we least deserve it. During the times when I was fufilling my flesh I was crying out to Him to deliver me and when I repented I was delivered. He knew we would sin and fall short and He died so we would not have to die because we sinned. In the old testament, when you were caught in adultery or fornication you were stoned to death on sight. But now we are able to ask for forgiveness and recieve forgiveness and be restored in our walk with Christ.

But there are consequences to our actions, so I expected something... Not twins but something. But I thank God that it was twins and not HIV or Aids. This consequence carries with it life and not death, and for that I am so grateful to God.

Once you become a Christian, you are not automatically made perfect and I think that's what many people, including myself assume. My Pastor says we are the "W.I.P." Works In Progress. So God is still working on us until the day that we die or the day that Jesus comes back. So, to all my unsaved friends and family I repent openly for my sins and the choices that I made that may now affect your decision to give your life to Christ. I am not perfect, but I was no more deserving of Christ's mercy before I sinned than I am now.

Romans 8:1 says "There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death." Conviction is when you do wrong and you feel bad and feel the urgency to repent and change your ways. Condemnation is when you feel heaviness for your wrong but all you ever feel is wrong. It's the guilt you still feel about something you did when you were in elementary school. It's what other's try to make you feel about your actions when God has already forgiven you. It's when you refuse to forgive yourself.

So today, you either have confidence in something bigger than yourself. You believe that you are right where you are supposed to be. If it wasn't for getting fired, or moving, or getting divorced, you would not be where you are right now. I thank God for the trials and tribulations because they have made me more patient, more kind, more loving, more forgiving, more understanding. I am a much better person June 06 than I was June 05. This road you are on is leading you to the biggest revelation on Earth: Your purpose. So instead of beating yourself up for past mistakes, and carrying around regret; change what you can change and keep walking with your head held high. Keep your confidence in the fact that your life means something and it meant so much to Christ that He died on the cross just for you. Do not allow the condemnation of your own unforgiveness, or other people's inability to understand where you are to keep you bound. Be free and walk in your purpose. I love you deeply and hope you feel the love of Christ in my walk.

Training While on the Sidelines

I've been sidelined.

Prior to finding out I was pregnant I was studying and taking the Bar Exam in my pursuit of becoming a licensed attorney. I was also dancing in my churches dance group, "Chosen" and teaching Sunday School. I was being elevated because I had been faithful during the time when I was going through my separation and divorce. I never missed a Sunday or Bible Study, I fasted and prayed and lost almost 40 pounds in the process. I found myself and I was loving myself- my new free self. But something happened that sidelined me so now I'm still training while on the sidelines.

This blog was inspired by the many people who get "redshirted" or who get benched for the first few seasons (or years) of their professional athletic career. I was thinking in church last Sunday how hard it is to train when you know you are not actually going to play in the game. I always thought my life would be a lot different than it is right now. I'd be famous by the time I was 25 (and rich) with no responsibilities. I thought I'd be able to switch careers like clothes and pursue my many passions. But life didn't quite turn out the way I'd hoped. Like the athlete who spends time on the bench watching others play, I haven't quite found my groove. God was showing me, however, that although I'm on the sidelines I still have to train as though I'm going to start in the game this Saturday.

I filed for divorce on Wednesday, the second week in September. I'll never forget. I'd fasted for 30 days after I came home to find my husband had left and moved to Washington D.C. It was easy to fast since he was the cook in the family and I didn't even know where the cooking utensils were in the house. As I went full-time at my job at the law firm of Haynes and Haynes, the kids were left with my Grandmother to fend for themselves (which could explain my one daughters 15 pound weight gain in just a few months). They had endless days of Donatos Pizza and other fast or frozen process food. My work day was supposed to end at 5pm, but that rarely happened. The hours required to work in order to curry favor in the boss's eyes exceeded what I felt was healthy for a family of three children, one parent and an 84 year old caretaker.

My grandmother was a lifeline during these days. She helped me process what was going on and she kept the kids so I didn't have to worry about where they were while I was at work. I told people over and over again that my job was holding me together. If it wasn't for the income and the stability of my job I would have lost my mind. Becareful what you say. I walked into my job on October 17, 2005, the day after the new Bankruptcy law passed and found my box packed and waiting by the door. I was laid off. A blessing and a challenge! I could spend the time with my children that was so needed at this time in their lives but how would I pay the bills!??? I had enrolled my daughter in private school based on my income and now... Well, I qualified for unemployment and have been living on that until this month. Also, my daughter competed for and was the recipient of the only scholarship given in the whole school. By January, Kaissa was in private school, too. Thank God. We've had lean days, but believe it or not the kids' Christmas this year was the best ever. My former boss adopted my family and bought the kids more toys than I have ever bought them at Christmas. Talk about blessed. We have not gone without not one day.

While I'm on the sidelines, I've decided to train. My marriage may have ended in divorce, but there is someone out there for me, so I have to begin to prepare myself for that man. I ask myself constantly what could I have done to make the marriage work, what choices could I have made differently. I truly believe if you don't pass the test you will have to repeat the course. I kept taking jobs that I knew I was not equipt to do well, thinking that "this time it would be differen't." I will no longer do that even if I get a lucrative offer to be in a law firm. Although my legal knowledge will be used in some form in my life, I know deep down in my soul that writing is what I've been called to do. I have decide to develop my craft while on the sidelines. The most important thing I can do while on the sidelines is take care of myself so I can be an awesome mother. Being a mother is the single most important job I've ever had, so despite the fact that I was fired, let go, or quit my last three jobs, this job I will never be fired from and I won't quit. I have a duty to educate and help socialize my children into the adults they will become. I take that job seriously. So, while sidelined, the game goes on. And when it's my turn to put on my helmet and score the game winning touchdown, with God's grace, I'll be in the best shape of my life. I'm training now for the game that is to come.

The Proverbs 31 Woman

"Who can find a virtuous woman, for her worth is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10 Chances are you know one; perhaps you were raised or mentored by one; you may aspire to become one; more than likely you have never heard one discribed in such detail as the Bible lays out in Proverbs 31. Everyday I read a Proverbs which corresponds to the day of the Month. Since today is May 31- I read Proverbs 31 and was reminded of the woman who's "children arise and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her." So many of us are working hard with no one to say "you are blessed, you are praised, you are honored." Your children calling you blessed, honoring you and respecting you is different than being their friend. So many mothers don't want to appear angry, bitter, and hostile, like their mothers. But in return they are hanging with their daughters and not setting the standards very high.

These past few months have reminded me of how important it is to set a good example for your children. My four year old son asked me one night if he could get his wife pregnant before they got married. I said no. He said, but Mom, we'll be happy- pregnant then married. I didn't make a big deal about it because he's only four, but it greatly concerned me. What example am I setting for my children? It weighs on me heavily. But more than following rules and such, I want to teach them to follow God and follow their heart (insticts). I think they will go far in life. Our mistakes are what make us stronger and make us who we are.

The virtuous woman who works hard and is appreciated by her family. That sounds like a good goal to me. And like my blog says yesterday what we do each day determines what those in our lives will ultimately say about us. What are we doing today to become the virtuous woman of tomorrow?

Love is in the Details

"We fear success with good reason. We've got a lot at stake. Success brings change, and change is uncomfortable. But by attempting to achieve one challenge at a time, we redefine success for ourselves and those we love."
— Sarah Ban Breathnach

Oprah says "Love is in the Details." In the beginning, I resisted that thought. I'm a "Big Picture" person. I like thinking of the grandiose ideas that will change the world. I drop the idea but as soon as people start saying "how?" I'm mentally outta there. My brain just doesn't support the details. I've been fired from jobs because I made simple mistakes or because I wasn't "paying close enough attention to the details." I've come to realize that I probably have ADD, and that my brain works differently than those who are able to think inside the box. It's okay. It's one reason why I'm always caught up in the moment. But there are pluses too. I see the world in colors other people don't see. I hear things and think of solutions that would have never crossed someone else's mind. I'm a problem solver, and outside of the box thinker and I will not apologize anymore for how I am.

Anyway, this morning as I was praying I realized that God wants me to pay more attention to the small stuff. There's a book that says "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it's all small stuff." It's true that we shouldn't become stressed out of things that won't matter two years from now. However, there comes a time when you need to realize that there are very few big moments in life. Instead life is made up of many little moments; lots of small stuff. It's how you wake up in the morning; how you start your day; what you eat; what you say; what music you listen to; how many of your personal goals you accomplish in 24 hours. If you have a big picture, figure out how the small stuff fits into the picture. You cannot fit into your size 8 jeans without paying attention to what you eat (or don't eat) for breakfast. You cannot amass wealth if you don't begin spending more frugally today. It's all about what you do from minute to minute. How you chose to make decisions about each and everything.

This blog for me seemed like something small, however, I've begun to see how this is part of the big picture. I've spent hours studying for the bar exam (twice) not to mention the hundreds of thousands of dollars I spent in law school. How much time have I put into becoming a better writer, or even using the written word to be a light to the world. Sobering thought. How much time have you put towards your gift? Cultivate it; take care of it; share it. Open yourself to how the small stuff is having a big impact on your life.

Choosing Life

Is it possible to be pro-choice and pro-life at the same time? I feel everyone should be able to choose when and where to start their family, however, I feel that life is sacred and valuable and should be protected at all costs. None of my children were concieved on purpose but each time I was faced with a decision I made the choice that I felt was right at that time in my life. I didn't always choose life, I will tell you honestly, but I always felt like was sacred and to be respected. Believe it or not, the two pregnancies that I entered into conciously after I was married ended in miscarriage. That is life's bitter irony. And that's really when I learned how tenuous life is. I learned that God is really in control and no matter how advanced our technology has gotten, we still cannot take the place of God Almighty. After my miscarriages I was infertile for a year before shockingly becoming pregnant with my son. So, I've gone through being overly fertile, infertile, miscarriages, abortion, and multiple pregnancy. Talk about life experiences.

The time I chose not to continue my pregnancy, I did so because I really didn't feel that was an option for me. I decided so early in life not to become a mother. Then when it happened I did not want to be with the person I was pregnant by. He insisted that I get an abortion and the institution that I was in (college) basically did not even give me the option of remaining pregnant and continuing in school. I got in counseling because during my pregnancy I had nightmares of abusing and neglecting the child I was carrying. Through months of intensive counseling I discovered that there were issues I was carrying around that kept me from being able to visualize myself as a mother. Once I started sorting through that baggage I found myself pregnant again (this time using birth control.) So even though I had slipped the first time, I'd been really careful the second time and still because pregnant. I decided fate had intervened and decided it was time for me to have a child. Kalia was born nine months later.

Kaissa was concieved using birth control as well (condoms) and because I'd had Kalia and swore to God on the operating table that I would never take life for granted again, she was born. Following her birth, I married her father (see previous blog) and had the two aforementioned miscarriages and period of infertility. After our son was born, my ex got permanent birth control and the issue of whether or not to have more children became a non-issue.

When the twins were concieved I can say I was truly "caught up." There was no thought of using birth control or anything else other than being in the moment. Because this was a person I had dated for much of my childhood and adolescence, there were feelings there that I never could have anticipated. Having gone so long without a concern for birth control and not planning to get physical kept me from being able to do what was necessary to control the conception of these two gifts. So now here I sit. Wanting so badly to empower other young African-American women so that no matter what situation they find themselves in they know that they can still be someone. A man doesn't determine our self-worth. God is the only one that can make us feel that we are worthy on the inside. Until we allow Him to fill us up we are walking around empty looking for anything: food, sex, drugs, shopping, work, etc. to fill us up. I am learning now to be filled by God and to be content with Him no matter what situation I find myself in. This is a lot more difficult that it sounds. My brain knows intuitively that I should depend on God for everything, but my heart is prideful and afraid to look to anyone besides myself for happiness for fear that I may be let down. Being pregnant out-of-wedlock at a time when I felt the closest to God has been humbling and it has shown me that God loves me unconditionally because I'm Tanikka, not because of how I act. He created me and knew what my strengths and weaknesses were before I was formed in my mother's womb (see the Book of Jeremiah). I am confident not in my own ability but in the ability of God to make something out of my nothingness. I feel your vibes, your prayers and your concern. I feel you holding your breath to see if I will fall. Yes, I have fallen. But I will pick up the pieces and sit down for however long it takes to put it all back together.

Piece by Piece, it's coming together. A mirror, once shattered and once showing a distorted reflection of myself is now coming together to create a brautiful picture of the true me.

The Day After

I am so overwhelmed by all the wonderful things my friends and family had to say. Thank you so much. I don't know what I did to deserve such awesome people in my life but I appreciate it so much. I am surprised that there were no comments made from anger or hurt. Thank you so much. I know some of you may have felt dissapointment and shock but all I felt from your responses and emails was support and love.

So, this morning I woke up on a rampage about fathers. Where are the fathers? I mean literally and figuratively. I don't feel bad about being a single mother and I think maybe I should. Let me back up. Growing up, I never wanted to have children. When I found myself pregnant in college with Kalia, I decided to have her and thought "I can do this." My thesis was entitled "Moving Beyond Invisibility: America's Perceptions of Young, Single, Black Motherhood." In my thesis I proposed that the reason so many young, single mothers ended up on welfare or didn't live up to their dreams was because they didn't recieve the support necessary to succeed. I found my support and was able to graduate from Vassar and go on to Law School. I proposed that if everyone could feel as empowered as I felt and recieve the support I felt, there would be a lot more successful single mothers.

When I decided to get married, so much of my reasoning was because I had decided I didn't want to be a single mother anymore. Deciding to get married was the most rational decision I ever made. I just made a list of what qualities I wanted in a "family" and decided that outweighed what I wanted as an individual (big mistake). I put my needs and desires to the side for the good of having a family and "doing the right thing." I believed then that it was better for a child to grow up with two parents. Now, I'm not too sure. Well, I guess I'm sure that philosophically a child should have both parents but in today's world, I'm not sure that affords the child the best chance for success. (I've used success alot but I define that as the ability to be happy with who you are and feel comfortable achieving your life purpose, whatever that is).

The other thing I find myself pondering is why is it that regardless of how involved a father starts out- they have beef with the mom and check out. (Black fathers in particular) My father checked out after he and my mother were divorced and I didn't see him for five or six years. Now deja vu with my children's father. What is it in men that allow them to walk out despite the investment they have made in their children's lives? Why is it that women invariably end up carrying the "mother" load? I read today that there are more children growing up in single-mother households than in two-parent households. What does that say about society? Is that to be celebrated or criticized? Where do we go from here?
I'm actually happier not having to compromise about my children's upbringing especially since my ex was raised Muslim and had a lot different ideas about how to raise children. Since the divorce the kids sleep in my room some weekends and stay up late to watch life-changing programming like the American Idol finale. (who knew Prince would be there?) We have lots of fun and take life as it comes. They laugh when I burn dinner and we are learning to cook together. They are my best friends but I don't allow myself to become dependent on their company. I have to remain the "Mommy" and I do so. But will there ever be a "partner" for me to share this duty with? After the last year I'm not so sure that's what I want. Honestly.

The Announcement

This is so strange that although I'm a writer and I've considered myself a writer since elementary school, I've totally been avoiding blogging. It seems fadish and there is such a thing as TMI (too much information). But I have succumbed to the blog-o-rama. In part it's because I've been having a hard time dealing with my situation. I fall back into denial every other day. So I figured what better way to deal with my situation than to put it on Front Street. So I've invited you all to take a peek into my world.

I've been divorced since November 11, 2005. It's been liberating. I have found pieces of myself that have been dead and buried for years. I also discovered talents and gifts that enabled me to get through this process. I was a lot stronger than I thought I was. I think my ex and I held things together as long as we could but under the circumstances we are better people apart than together. I still love him as a person and hope that one day we can be friends again. For right now we have minimal contact and he's not involved in our children's lives but that's another blog.

Where I thought I was over dealing with lust and fornication I quickly found out after separating that it's very difficult to "hang out" and "date" without taking things to a physical level. I ran into an ex-boyfriend with whom I had unfinished business. Our relationship was so much of what I was missing in my marriage. We had engaging conversations, eye contact, long hours spent one-on-one and we genuinely were connected to each other. Soon we were engaged in all aspects of one anothers lives. We got physical, and I got pregnant. Not only did I get pregnant, I conceived twins.

I decided to separate from this individual in order to reevaluate my walk with Christ and my personal goals and aspirations. I'm not ready to combine my life with another man at this point in any other way than co-parenting. I love the feeling of being loved and adored but I'm not willing to sacrifice the things I sacrificed in the past to be married. And I only want to be married one more time.

I'm 18 weeks pregnant with babies number four and five and I'm scared, excited, and blessed. I know just like Kalia, Kaissa and Jamir, these babies are born with a purpose and a plan larger than what I can see right now. Jamir has named the twins Jeremiah and Kaya- they are due on October 24, 2006. Pray for me and with me and join me in this awesome journey. I love you all!