Loving My Life

It's taken a long time but I'm really loving my life. I'm discovering so much about myself now that I'm by myself with life growing inside me. I have a lot more time to think and react than I have in my adult life. I'm seeing things that have remained constant and things that have changed over time. There is no changing a lot of things about our personality, but there are things we can improve upon daily. These babies are really forcing me to evaluate everything about the past 31 years. I'm finding that there is so much pain that I have held onto that it is finally time to let go of. My Pastor always says you can't change things you aren't willing to confront. And I am dealing with the fact that I was harmed deeply when my father left the household when I was five years old. I had just been molested by a cousin a few months before and I guess all that pain got rolled up into one. Just when I think I'm over those feelings of betrayal, pain, abandonment, and neglect, something happens to make me go back to that scared little girl balled up in the corner on the floor. Just the other day I was turning the channels when I saw some Kelly Clarkson video. I don't know the name of the song but she was basically telling her dad in the video that because of him she was scared to love, scared to live, and scared to move forward. I definitely identified with that song and video and prayed to ask God once again when the pain would end. It's the gaping hole that I try to fill when I say yes to physical relationships that are beneath where I'm trying to be or trying to go. I haven't spoke to my Father since Father's Day because I called him that day and he was short and curt. It hurt. Again. It's a lot like the communication in my marriage- we are speaking different languages and expecting the other party to say what we want them to say. I'm still trying to love my father- past, present and future, and I keep nurturing the hurt little girl within. But the pain is still there.