Dealing with loss

There is nothing like planning a baby with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. When you picture his eyes and your smile; his metabolism with your love of pasta; his passion and your talent. You imagine how they will come together in a perfect bundle of joy. And when that seed is never planted, when your inner lining sheds month after month- there is an emotion akin to waiting for your father in the window; or waiting for that last check from your job only to return from the mailbox empty month after month. 

It puts a strain on your self esteem; puts a strain on your marriage; it even puts a strain on your trust and faith in God. You wake up to an empty womb and ask why? Time and time again. You believe, you expect and yet you come up empty. So you finally decide to move on. Maybe a baby is not in the cards. You find other ways to feel fufilled. You feel better, you go to baby showers of girls young enough to be your daughters and you cry happy tears. You do not allow yourself to ever be jealous. All things work together; God knows better than I, We trust God without question. 

And then one day the unthinksble happens: your period is late- 4 days late! And you gasp a breath of hope and close your eyes as you pee on the stick...TWO LINES!!! You don't care that it's 4am- you wake your husband. You cry happy tears, lay in his arms and begin to imagine what's going on inside of you. It has happened. The thing the Dr. told you was impossible (a less than 1% chance were his exact words) it. has. happened. And this wonderful man tells you he will never leave your side and this time you believe him. He tells you not to worry and you don't. You whisper a thanks to God and you relish in every moment of your pregnancy. 

Then one Wednesday after you broke taboo and attended a funeral and looked at your beloved in the casket- you wake up and don't feel pregnant. You tell him- he looks worried. You discuss it at work but by lunch the nausea and bloating has returned. But things never feel the same. Pain, nausea, cramping happen over the next week. And then that Friday, when you go for your first Ultrasound at 9 weeks the technician turns from the empty sac on the screen and says she doesn't see a baby. No baby. There is no baby. Only emptiness. A dream deferred. A shriveled up raisin wilting in the sun. 

Dazed, confused, shocked you look at the Dr as she explains your pregnancy is not viable. She tells you to expect blood where you were expecting booties and baloons that read "Congratulations." You leave your first Dr's appointment where you were supposed to confirm your due date, expecting blood...

The loss has been so heavy, the grief so palpable all you can do is lean on others for oxygen. You have no breath for yourself because where you once carried life, now you carry death. And you cannot believe this is your fate, your baby's fate. When the pain, cramping and bleeding get to the worst point you are comforted by other people online sharing their pain. You google "natural miscarriage" because that's what it's called when you wait at home to lose your baby rather than going to the hospital or Dr's office. That's a misnomer- you want to scream THERE IS NOTHING NATURAL ABOUT THIS!!!! A mother is supposed to carry her child, not miscarry. This is a life, not a football. You didn't drop the ball, you lost your little baby. It was your future, your promise, your legacy. And now it's a story in your book, a tragedy in Chapter 10 verse 13 of your life story. 

In life we are given Beauty for Ashes, and there are things that we will never understand. There are cycles and a time for everything. A time to live and a time to die. And for whatever reason, Tinoket was not meant to be born on May 9, 2017. Tinoket was meant to come for two months, bring immense joy and peace to your household and leave. So the lesson you take with you is that you can feel that joy and peace. That you are capable of that feeling even if your womb remains bare. You believe that Tinoket is with you always and that you will never be the same.