Coming out of a fog is always difficult. You forget what things look like without seeing them through the thick patch in front of you. I'm still processing what my fog was, but it was real and it was transparent, and hard to catch...But real nevertheless. Now, here I am on the other side, seeing things fresh and new, wondering how I got here (again) but feeling comfortable in myability to keep it moving. My facebook status yesterday was "better to have loved and have lost than to never have loved at all." I'm not sure I subscribe to that philosophy overall but it's where I was yesterday. My most recent love took my heart to Israel and Auswitz and back to the hood. A love so simple, yet so complicated, mired with problems with language, culture, race, religion, economics, social strata- you name it. But we took a chance on love, we gambled and won in the short term but lost in the long term. For once, I have a man who's not the bad guy. It just wasn't meant to be in this lifetime. He was a young man without kids who wanted a big family, but couldn't really handle raising kids that weren't his. He didn't know it was a problem until we were this far into it and I'm glad we realized it before anyone (he) got hurt.
My kids are my life force, and as much as I loved being in love and being loved, it was empty at the end of the day if it wasn't the best thing for my kids. My partner wasn't sure he wanted to stay in America, anyway and is making plans to return to Israel post-divorce. Facebook has turned into such a large part of my life that it was an ordeal yesterday to delete his pictures from my page. It was almost ceremonial- erasing him from the place he occupied for such a brief but meaningful time. And now I'll throw myself into my kids, my work, my scholarship, my purpose, hoping that I'll get another stab at love.
This time I'll know and more importantly EXPECT so much more!
My kids are my life force, and as much as I loved being in love and being loved, it was empty at the end of the day if it wasn't the best thing for my kids. My partner wasn't sure he wanted to stay in America, anyway and is making plans to return to Israel post-divorce. Facebook has turned into such a large part of my life that it was an ordeal yesterday to delete his pictures from my page. It was almost ceremonial- erasing him from the place he occupied for such a brief but meaningful time. And now I'll throw myself into my kids, my work, my scholarship, my purpose, hoping that I'll get another stab at love.
This time I'll know and more importantly EXPECT so much more!