binge eating

Difficult patch

I'm coming out of a very difficult few weeks. I guess it all started when I was in my girlfriends wedding. I had to wear an orange dress and I just didn't feel comfortable. I was in LA where everyone is skinny and it's all about looks and...I should've come home and debriefed, but I didn't and I guess I began to internalize and feel bad about myself. This sparked a three week eating binge. Seriously I was out of control. I was eating twix and ice cream and pizza for five days straight. I was feeling sad and empty and overwhelmed. Even though my dreams were coming true in terms of my book and cd being completed, something in me was going on self-destruct mode. How could I be on the verge of accomplishing so much but still not believe I was worthy> Waht would people think if htey knew the truth? I hid my insecurities and shame beneath the food that I continued to consume. I didn't go shopping for the past three weeks and we ate fast food for every meal. I know the only way to ensure that this never happens again is to come clean. I am not the only one who is struggling with weight and food and image and control. I felt so raw about my divorce, and still loving my ex-husband, and my father, our relationship was getting closer but them I wasn't telling him that I no longer lived in the house that he owned, and as I came clean about that I risked his rejection and being rejected was the worst thing for me right now.

I don't think about people rejecting the book and CD because I wrote this primarily for myself, it was theraputic and cathartic, but the personal sense of failure and rejection from another divorce and from the ups and downs of my relationship with my father pushed me back to my consummate friend: food. Only this time food was not my friend, it threatened to send me into bad health and misery. When I realized that the barrage of emotions were primarily stemming from my impending one year wedding anniversary, I was able to reach out for help- to my new boss as work: Nancy Hood. She helped me call and make an appointment with a nutritionist. A tearful confession to Troy Rice led to more clarity and understanding. He urged me to just go to the grocery store, which I had adamately avoided for three weeks. Take it step by step. Sure enough, as hard as it was to go to the grocery store (after going to Wendy's one last time) it has turned the tide. I've been fast food-free for three days today and honestly I feel so much better: mind, body and spirit.

When you think you have conquered, something rears it's ugly head to show you that you are STILL a work in progress. I'm determined to beat what I see as an addiction once and for all.