Soaring through the Storm... How profound the title of my blog. What that actually means became apparent this week through a conversation with a good friend. I've had this conundrum for a long time: whenever I committed myself to writing and publishing I felt like bad things would happen. Starting back in 2002 when I committed to writing and rapping- The next time I turned around- my daughter got diagnosed with epilepsy and shortly thereafter my marriage dissolved. I couldn't decide if it was my third eye opening and my inability to settle that precipitated my marital demise or was it that I love writing and performing so much that everything else got neglected.
In 2008, fresh in a new marriage, I started writing and recording again. The next thing I knew- on the eve of publishing my first book: Love Letters, my second marriage started to fall apart. Then right after my album release- I fell ill and was hospitalized for 11 days... I have not tried to write, publish or record since.
I worked establishing myself in these years. My husband and I reconciled and are working on building a long life together. I got the first two children out of the house and I am enjoying a friendship with my oldest daughter. I have a job and career that I love that utilizes my talents and gifts and I work with a supportive, loving team of women that is changing our community one women at a time.
So... Moving forward...I've been stuck. I want to write and publish but I do not want things to fall apart again. I told my friend I wanted my home life to be stable before I wrote and published again. I told her that I didn't want to be like all of the ministers I grew up who were serving members in the church but their homelife was in shambles. I did not want to be like that! My friend urged me to pray and read several Psalms. It was during prayer, as I cried out to God about the situation I am currently going through that I heard so clearly that the answer is not in writing or not writing...or going through or not going through. The answer is in being transparent despite what I am going through. David in Psalms was transparent. He didn't ever have a private life that was stable or normal. His daughter was raped by her brother; his son tried to kill him and one brother killed another... What turmoil, what strife! But the answer for him was in crying out to the Lord and writing through his struggle- creating some of the most beautiful sonnets in history. Psalm 23 is so beautiful but it depicts agony... Walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death...juxtaposed with green pastures... Amazing imagery. David was not ashamed because he cried out to the Lord and knew God was hearing him. So I will do the same... Be transparent and write, while I'm soaring through the storm.