Carpe Diem

There comes a point where enough is enough. A point where you get tired of seeing other people do what you only think and dream about doing. There comes a point where you can taste success, you can taste your future, your destiny and you feel a burning in your veins to go for it. This is the point where I am today. Some people call it the point where the rubber meets the road. For years I have struggled with poor physical health (obesity), poor financial health (poverty), and poor sexual health (promiscuity). It is time to take control. I was able to become abstinent while I was pregnant with my twins and for a couple years after they were born, primarily because I was “scared straight” or scared stiff. I had become pregnant with them after being with their father one night- twins, born at 27 weeks, 2.3 pounds, in the hospital for nine weeks, alone. That was enough to halt my sexual appetite for quite a while. The next man I was with was my husband.

However, during the time I was abstinent, my weight ballooned out of control. I am usually 230 a 18/20 but I got up to an all-time high of 260- size 24!!! A place I never want to be again. My neck was fat, my rolls had rolls but I felt happy. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and used breastfeeding as my excuse. What I didn’t know what that I was eating to mask the feelings I was having about my discontent with myself and the discontent with my situation. That was 2006.

Between then and now I have shed lots of tears and pounds too. I struggle with my love for my (now ex) husband with the seriousness of my role as a mother. I deny myself to get stronger and indulge myself to reward. I love food but I am slowly letting go of my emotional need to eat. It is scary and empowering all at once. I am weigh 220 and wear 14/16.

The hardest days are behind me and slightly in front of me. I still turn to pizza when I’m emotional but I don’t eat a large pie by myself. I am fasting for my emotional, physical and spiritual well being and learning to say no, set boundaries, soar higher.

Because I’ve been able to accomplish so much in my brokenness, a lot of people didn’t see I was broken. But my failed romantic relationships and the pain I’ve caused people because of my anger were signed that all was not well. As I peel back the onion to my pain, the smell is strong, and the desire to run back to my old ways is tempting. But I know that there is Glory and strength and a sense of accomplishment on the other side of this hard work.

So, I exercise, I pray, meditate, do yoga, fast, deny my body, turn down sex, hang up the phone when I feel the conversation leaves my comfort zone, I say no, leave when I want to, get plenty of sleep, stop trying to do it all. I am human, and my body needs to be nurtured. I say “I love you, you are worthy, you are worth the work and the wait.” So when I feel weak, I allow myself to feel weak, I cry into my pillow and even call my ex-husband when I want to hear his voice because I miss him. I discipline my kids in love without feeling guilty and I set healthy boundaries based on my parenting standards, not the worlds. I am okay and I’m getting better everyday. I’m gaining control. And you ain’t seen nothing yet!